Bongee - "If stress can kill you, then I will." he said

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I lived believing that even though my pseudo-relationship was falling apart, I could manage. But I didn't. Like many of you, I believed that all I had to do was try, but one day... I got tired. I didn't even want to argue anymore about the fact that he would like to go on a 3-week holiday without me and visiting Poland, Italy, and France "He already said that is not my business." anyway. I didn't want to argue about the fact that he was going to visit a "friend" first for two days first, or as he later put it "his unhappy love". I didn't even want to scream anymore out of grief about losing the job and that I liked, the third job I wanted to keep. In 2014 he left me with £30 a week. I lost my job... my son was only 3 years old and there was no one to leave him with. I had a very nice job, in a cafe on a platform in a town that was not far away. I used to go there by bus. Before that I tried to work in a hotel cleaning unfortunately it didn't work out because when I came home a drunk guy wouldn't wake up himself to look after a baby crying who was hungry and with a dirty nappy when I came home from work. One day it scared me so much that I quit my job at the hotel. But you know, "He was having a day off work" and it was my fault for not coming back in time to feed my son, there was no cooperation and all. Even though he knew what time I finished work. I also tried cleaning for 2 hours every morning to work less than 30 hours, at a restaurant nearby. But that didn't work either. My boyfriend didn't get up in the morning to take care of the baby, nor did he get up at night to take care of the baby. And I, exhausted by the wake-up calls, had to take a shower after taking painkillers and lubricate my whole body with steroid medication. Feed, change the nappy... And leave at 7am. I very rarely managed to get to work on time. Anyway, on that fateful day when I went to the hospital for the first time, not of my own free will, my son then had a fever of 40 degrees, I had a fever too. And we had to go and top up the electricity at the post office because it had run out. Some grandmother at the post office saw that I was wobbling on my feet, barely standing. And she called an ambulance even though I didn't want to. And so began the treatment of my skin, which was in a tragic state and made it much harder for me to function. I stayed for half a day under a drip in the hospital but they had nothing to do with the baby so they sent me home. They even looked around the hospital for someone to take care of my son so that I could stay. But fortunately, my ex-boyfriend was on holiday, my brother was still at work and my phone died soon. I probably wouldn't have found anyone to stay with the baby while I was in hospital anyway. After this situation, I called the ambulance home a few more times because I also had heart problems. If I had someone who could stay with my son for more than the 5 hours he was at the nanny's, twice a week and then at nursery school. Then maybe I would have found a job and not earned myself thousands of pounds... What I did do soon after? I had enough and I was so tired of trying to exist with my skin infection, eczema, drunk guy, no opportunities to take a job, and a lack of food at home. Also, his screaming at me wasn't been helpful. What's more, I promised my son he will not live like that as he was scared of his Father's voice and soon after every Males voice too. And I didn't believe in that situation can be even worst for me and I was right. I was taking all solutions already including AA and living like a no-couple just for a child as well, nothing was working and I was so, so tired of the situation I had. Can you relate to it? So you are in a good place to take a hand and go to www.fuuzzi.com and call me / book now and run away. I wish to have had a person like me know in the past to get some help as it took me 3 months to get the skills and knowledge to move on and make an escape. I ran away from that town to rescue and found a job after 3 months in another town. As a single mother, I was able to have food from the church and child allowances that I didn't have before. And a friend from college who I met here would stay with my son or take him to school so I could work. I continued the schooling I had started in the previous town to learn English and to be able to get a better job than I DON'T LOSE IT, I'm glad I had the opportunity to live it, at least I had the chance to learn a lot and I got to know all these institutions that help in uk, most of them are free and there are some cheap ones. I now know how not to end up on the streets, how to report to a hostel where I myself was for two years in a new city. How to look for a job, get benefits and not get down on yourself when you have £30 a week and a child. Now I'm helping others, I'm happy to help them and I say boldly that what may seem scary at the beginning is not so scary at the end. You will cope and I believe in you, and with my help, you certainly will.

Yes, I live in England and yes I am at my home!

 Yes, I live in England and yes I am at my home! 

When I am in Poland I am on vacation. I am in a country that has never allowed me to move out away from my toxic mother home who, ever since she started drinking, occupied my bed after a party, leaving me nothing to sleep on when I was coming back home at the age of 16th years old. Anyway, I heard mostly that "You are not at yourself home" because it was her home, not mine so I had nothing to say. One day, When she threw away ALL my stuff - clothes, cosmetics, toys, board games - Because it was supposed to be a punishment for disobedience. I returned home and had nothing, being 17 years old... So, I was taking nothing, because I had nothing, began to sleep anywhere, and later at a friend's house with the consent of her Mom and My Dad.

For many years I lived in Poland with my Mom and brother. In the meantime "We" moved to a smaller apartment when I was 17+ years old.  As there were three rooms, my mother said we couldn't afford it, so my mother and I moved to two, and my brother moved out with his wife and to her family.

I have always been told that when I will live at my home I will decide anything for myself. I've always been told that I don't live at my home, I live at my mother's, and she pays for it, so I don't have the rights I would have if I paid for the apartment, and if I live at my own place I can say and comment on anything. 

I turned 18 not long after the move.  I was going to high school at the time and in the first year of high school I let it go due to the fact that when I was already approaching my eighteenth birthday Mom told me that I was now paying for myself. I had to have money for clothes and food otherwise I had nothing to wear and nothing to eat. Mom was trying to charge me 20 cents for a piece of bread and as you already know, she was throwing away all my clothes earlier.

My brother helped me a lot during this time but he didn't live with us. My Dad and friends also helped me. so it was okay, let's say. Once I managed to find a casual contract job and was constantly getting more assignments through an employment agency I went back to school. My day looked like this; I would get up at 7:00 a.m. and drive to school for about 40 minutes, after school I would go to work and I would come home at 9:00 p.m. I did my homework while i was going by bus to and from school.

Mom said either pay or get the fuck out. She wouldn't show me the bills I was supposed to contribute to so I didn't know if the amount she was telling me to pay was a normal amount. So I didn't.

After finishing school, I couldn't find an apartment to rent that I could afford. I took extra jobs, At one point I had as many as 3 jobs at the same time just before I get out of Poland.

I really wanted to live alone. I no longer admitted to my mother how much I was earning, and I kept putting money away. I still had to buy my own food and clothes and I kept hearing that "You are not at yourself home". I had had enough, so I decided to leave for England after one longer 3 days party and quite spontaneously.

Today, I am proud to say that I am at my home here where I have all the things that I already had when I had a job, which 8 years ago I brought from Poland, and the rest I sent just after Mom threw them all together into the basement. The basement there is often flooded by water and there are rats cats and fleas. So here we come again, thanks, mom.

That wasn't been easy as The apartment I moved into was empty of everything I had to buy all by myself.

I was raising a child by myself during this time. Happy that I didn't have to move out and that no one was telling me to get the fuck out. I still live here, I still live here and it's very hard for me sometimes to explain to people who live in Poland and have their family home... Apparently, no one ever told them to get the fuck out. A home where no one has ever thrown anyone out in the middle of the night along with their belongings. Just like my Mom did to my brother when he came back to live with us after the divorce. And she was just so drunk one night. I wasn't there, I got a call from my brother that he was sitting in the park and had everything with him. When he entered the house in the middle of the night it was already packed.

Fortunately, I managed on the way home to persuade one of my friends who was renting an apartment so that my brother could live with him and not spend that night and many others in the park. 

I have a hard time explaining to people, that here I am at home. When I invite someone to my place it seems absurd to them that I say that. I am often asked why I will not return to Poland. I have often explained that I don't have things there and no place to stay... during the time as I usually did book a hotel in the past. I explained that I sent everything to my home in England. I was trying to explain that Since I left I had nowhere to go back And when I was there I had nowhere to live. 

Maybe someone will read this and understand, at least a little, that I live at my lovely home, and I visit Poland as the country where my father and my fiancé's family live. I don't talk to my mother anymore. I really tried to love her as she is. A few years ago I invited her to spend Christmas with us. I even managed to force her with my brother, who also came at the time, to not drink alcohol for 3 days. But then like crazy, she started making trips around the city in search of alcohol.

She would come home to me and leave bottles on the floor in the middle of the night, she was scaring my child with her behaviors. My son was 4.5 years old at the time, she told him when he cried that no one would love him because, according to her, he was behaving badly. That took me a long time to throw away that idea from my son's head. She said the same things to me in the past. This led to numerous arguments, and I returned to smoking cigarettes which I quit for two years. So Happy Christmas! And during her visit, she criticized everything I managed to get with my hard work. For her, my apartment was bad, ugly, cold, and uncomfortable. I, on the other hand, for my mother I was being stupid. For her my child was not polite in her opinion. My Mother smoked cigarettes and threw bottles around the house wronged by my presence, she told me at the airport that everything would have been better if the one person was not on this Christmas holiday. Apparently, my brother will host her next time. 

As far as I know, She still keeps telling strange and not true stories about me. After so many years of drinking alcohol everything is mixed up for her, I can hear these stories from other people. I used to correct her but now I don't want to anymore. She lives in her own world.

Nowadays a part of it... something positive? The upside is that I am not afraid. I am not afraid of living on the street, not having money, and not having anything to wear. I'm not afraid for those I help, that we can't cope because someone throws them out of the house, because they have to part. I don't worry when something doesn't go right because there are always opportunities, all you have to do is look for them. So if you are afraid of anything don't hesitate to come I will help you - maybe I have already been through this.

It's nicer in the basement...

 It's nicer in the basement...

I don't think I'll ever understand houses so big that they could house a family of 20 and only have one, two...well three tenants at most. And not happy ones, because they should have no reason to be. They are unhappy because they have been taught to live in these big houses full of abundance as if they were in a fucking museum. More than once, this has been the situation in a cramped room - in a room, in a kitchen, or even in a basement - we crowded in 10 people to be with each other when it was cold outside or raining. 

The small room was full of laughter, music, and positive vibes. There may not have been 50 dishes to choose from and 300 types of alcohol, but we had a

 

great time. Not many of my friends could live in a big house when they had families and earned anything. Maybe that's a good thing because many of them are happy with little or no money and still traveling the world. I grew up on a dirt estate in modest conditions. But I remember those days, the parties, lots of laughter and fun. Today, more than 10 years later, I am lucky enough to visit people who have succeeded. But they don't know how to enjoy it and it's a sad sight. Those manners of theirs were mostly feigned. A chilling silence because no one wants to come across as a fool, so they hardly speak at all. Strange giggles instead of playfulness and the lack of openness. Pushing children to behave who are clearly not allowed to be children. 

No running, no touching, no spilling, no squashing... What the fuck has happened to these people, I don't remember any of them wanting to live to old age in a fucking museum, let alone have their parents bring them up as coaches. I notice they say to respect what you have etc but come on, a piece of crayon on the floor is really bearable and a running child is rather in my opinion the greatest joy for a parent. Healthy, happy, and wonderful! But no, it's now fashionable to sit stiffly, apparently, and for goodness sake no running and laughing. I there preferred to get dirty, run in the mud and throw sling stones at the fence. I would run around the house all day long and thankfully no one admonished me or took away my joy of being a child. Today I take joy in every opportunity for freedom - because we are restricted at every turn. At work, on the street, etc. If you know what I mean. Home should be respected, but why shouldn't people have the right to play in it? What has happened is that this rigidity has spread like a plague and there is no trace of fun, just sullen faces, everyone has a stick up their arse (Polish saying), staring at a screen and overestimating the value of money. I'd rather go to a cramped kitchen with old friends than spend a boring evening in a museum without loud music and laughter.

Don't know how to guess

 You might as well use Morse code to speak your thoughts.

I tried to get along with women for many years
and finally gave up...

    (google translate doesn't understand he/she things too) 

I tried to get along with women for many years and finally gave up when I realized why I couldn't understand them (I know it's weird because I'm a woman too) and messed up when talking to most of them - we have a completely different language.

As a child, I was left at home with my brother, who was seven years older, but when I grew up and could go out in the yard, I knew all of my brother's friends, who also partly raised me because they would come home to play with him while my mom was at work and I was with him. Since they were also supposed to watch over me in the backyard, they would sit near the sandbox and playground, and I would sit with them at their house when my brother wanted to visit them. Because of this, I didn't have many woman-friends, as I only had one throughout elementary school, but I had many male friends. Spending time with them, listening to conversations and life advice, more or less wise, shaped me into the superwoman I became. 

For a long time, I didn't know what it meant to have a complex, ( until I got pregnant and started talking to women more.) that you can look in the mirror and think you're fat when you're not. I also didn't understand the obsession with stuffing bras with toilet paper, worrying about bust size, leg length, etc. To be honest, I didn't even understand my woman friend's desire to please boys, because talking and spending time with them was always natural to me - no subtext.

I am the woman who understands men's thinking, their overtones, texts, picking up girls and thinking about them. As I mentioned, I've been around them since I was a kid, which meant they had no resistance to saying anything in front of me - they treated me like a little sister or, dude. and even the ones I met later learned that quickly. And so my language, vocabulary and behaviour for a long time were more like that of a boy, until puberty, when I acquired more girlish habits from not very numerous female friends of my man-friends (ironically). As a woman, I was small, gruff, with lots of information about what men think about women, what they expect, and what worries them and a lack of understanding of women's behaviour

Women talk differently and think differently.
 I convinced myself of this every time I tried to get along with one
.

Women talk differently and think differently. I convinced myself of this every time I tried to get along with one.

To this day I don't understand women's overtones, I hear that I'm rude when I speak plainly - in male terms. They look at me strangely when I talk to their boyfriends without bringing up any subject with them, and I can honestly say I do it without any subtext and probably even out of habit. and these women are looking for hidden intentions in what I say. And for a more obvious reason - the list of topics I have with guys, while I have almost none with women.

For that matter, I don't know how to do make-up - I only paint my eyelashes, I've never learned how to use makeup, eyeshadows, and certain foundations, powders, liners and other gadgets that maybe I should use soon as I'm approaching forty. The reason? None of my male friends painted themselves.

Until my pregnancy, I had no idea about children. Of course, being a very ambitious person and one who appreciates books, I learned everything in 6 months of my pregnancy that should be taught = before a child turn the age of 3. I knew the rest from school, from my internships at daycare centres and schools while studying to be a social worker. But, as for pregnancy, it was all a terrible surprise to me because, as you might guess, none of my male-friends had ever been pregnant or talked about it much.

I don't style my hair. I don't use hairspray or lotion and I can't get it right, always too much, always too little. I don't know how it is that even though hairdressers have taught me, I still can't do it.

I get offended. I take offence at any woman who thinks I know what she's thinking and what she means when she doesn't tell me and makes eyes like - "I'd fart but I'm ashamed" or exophthalmos that to me at first association would mean a heart attack or asthma. Good Lord, I don't know what "that kind of face" means. Seriously! I even thought recently the last time that I met "this person" I thought she just zone out during our conversation, and then someone told me that she was: "mad at me" during the conversation...  And someone on the side said she was mad.

Leave it to your friend, and leave the inhaling, exhaling,
and foot-stomping to yourself. What's the point of all this?

"You know what I mean..."  I won't know when you're telling me your story about your next best guy who pissed you off. And you disrespecting yourself, and making a difference. But I can explain to you what he is thinking and why he did it, unlike your behaviour, I understand his behaviour.

Dear women, speak plainly, stop wheezing, snorting, sighing and making those weird faces called "that face". ' I sympathize with men having to try to understand you. For that, dear men, I admit that I love you for that simplicity, divisibility of thought, logic and sense of humour. And Jesus Mary for the fact that you talk with a sense and to the point (most of it) just problem-plan-strategy-action, and for most circumstances, you have plenty of jokes and the world up to your ass when you need."

It's funny being a woman and not understanding most of it, luckily there are some exceptions.

Ps. Through hanging out with guys (I think) I have acquired another "annoying" quality - my brain shuts down when you don't talk about something concrete, something to think about or something to do with it - so if you say blablabla, and you don't say it for something, for a purpose, I don't listen but not maliciously, I don't control it. I just hear that you say, but I do not know what, because it blends together and mutes, moreover I can not do anything about it, because it happens by itself. Don't get mad at men's - it really happens on its own.

How does it feel to be in pain...for years.

I suffer from the madness of others and my own body too.

Suffer from the madness of others.
and still, be a good person, - that's the value!

In the past I was affected by Atopic Skin ALLERGY MORE OFTEN THAN NOW. then the body was very fickle, it likes to panic and I have to watch out for it. On what I eat, what I wear, what I touch, what I wash my clothes in and where and with whom I spend time. It is all about allergies. No, I don't have the usual allergies that most people have, such that I eat a peanut and suffocate (I'm not belittling - it's a very dangerous allergy), but I do have some that appear suddenly or have always been there, only now, at one point, they appear with such intensity as if they wanted to kill me. Such allergies include, for example, a sudden allergy to soap, cleaning products or cosmetics. In 3 minutes without warning and even when I have already used a super extra hypoallergenic cosmetic several times. (It's funny that someone can still ask this question - did I really buy for allergy sufferers? ) My face can swell up like a balloon, my eyes can fill up with pus and the locals neigh boroughhood can have a panic attack just in a few minutes. The other interesting allergy is kiwi allergy - but it's not like I've always had it and it's weird... Oh no, I've had it for 2 months and every time I eat a kiwi I throw up. Just like that... Just like that, for a few hours, not being able to catch my breath, clogging my nose until it hurts, swelling in my sinuses, tears in my eyes...🥝 And what strange reactions do you guys have? The interesting thing is that the allergies mixed when I was pregnant and stayed with me for 7 long years, where I couldn't live like normal people and ended up in the hospital several times a month.... for seven years, I'm glad I'm still alive! You have no idea how much I appreciate life after the sometimes drastic experience of having an autoimmune disease. Some don't believe I will. 

2 tablets to get up without pain, 3 other
for breakfast, 1 for dinner, 2 in the middle of the night.

I have had allergies since birth and they are sometimes a bigger and sometimes a smaller part of my life. I've been allergic to something ever since I was born, and it's not always been possible to do anything about it. When I was a baby my allergy was resolved with a diet of rice and carrots, to which, as it later turned out, I was also allergic. As well as other strange things, such as chicken - chicken or, as I now know, penicillin, which they give them so that they are healthy and don't get sick, they stuff them with it as a preventative measure. I used to think I had it for milk too, but cow penicillin is also given in bulk, so you can't really tell if it's the product or the processing. Processing these days is a serious problem. And more and more of it is being done. There are studies that show how much sugar and chemicals are now in every food. Even foods that shouldn't have any at all. E.g. sugar in bread, or flour in ham. It is interesting to note that I was not allergic to gluten until 10 years ago. Now, my stomach swells, I want to sleep, my whole body swells or only my eyes and pus flows from them. Because gluten is a genetically modified part of the food.

Thanks to this, it is sold better, less is added and more money are made. If you want to believe it or, you don't want to believe it that's your choice. Usually, it's the allergy sufferer who knows best what makes him allergic, right?

Well, not always, because I can be allergic to something all of a sudden, as I mentioned above. Disappearing allergies is also fun, and it's my favourite ;). Apart from the fact that I lived in a time when, in primary school, I used to fall asleep in the corridor as so popular Zyrtec tablets which I was taking to suffer from allergy reactions made me feel sleepy that bad as it was out of control. If you have ever used it, you know that it causes such a relaxation of the body that you don't fall asleep but rather drift off, and my headmistress was able to call my mother because of this and, to the joy of other children, call me a junkie. So I had, according to most people who saw me with skin damaged by allergies, "heroin injection holes", which was another reason to hate primary school and undereducated peers, as well as their parents and older colleagues. Kids are kids, but parents? Well, at the age of 16 I, fortunately, got rid of my allergies, according to my doctor hormones helped in this process, and according to the fuckers I just quit doing drugs. 

Funny how I can be not allergic to something today
 and become tomorrow,
 genetic modification of food makes life more interesting.

 

Have you ever experienced unequal treatment from other people for reasons beyond your control, such as a disease you were born with? If so, you know how terrible it is, especially for a child who may not understand what is happening to them, or who understands but cannot communicate it to others. Children can be terrible, adults are terrible too sometimes. To them, karma comes back, but to us? It teaches a lot, like empathy and understanding for others.

Depression turned my passion on!

My Passion and hobbies turned into a business.

I became fascinated with psychology at the age of 16. When I fell into a severe depression and decided to treat it myself, by gaining more KNOWLEDGE! from books, psychology guidance books and pieces of training available! I didn't take any pills I just decided to approach the problem from a different angle. Because why should I go to a psychologist who has read books that I can read too, and let her judge me? Why should I give myself a list of chemicals to put in my body as  "HapPy pills" when they have such a long list of side effects?

 

When I fell into a severe depression I decided to treat it myself,
by gaining more KNOWLEDGE! 

This of course stayed with me, not the depression, but the knowledge. As you can probably guess, I didn't stop at exploring the human psyche in the context of said depression, but I went further.... much further and that's how my story began nearly 20 years ago...

I was fascinated by how much you can see under the mask and infer from apparent behaviours. I was so consumed by it that I went to a comprehensive high school where the main subjects were psychology and sociology. I delved into those subjects and continued to delve into them after school because it fascinated me. We also had internships with preschool, school, special education, therapists, etc. Even after college, I devoured books on human psychology, interpersonal relationships, and more whenever I had time to relax.

I have talked to many experienced psychologists and therapists about their approach to the profession, the subject and the diagnosis.

And it gives me a lot of understanding for a person who is affected by something like disparities, diagnoses, depressions, disorders, anxiety, panic attacks, childhood issues. I did not know that this can cast a shadow over our entire life, any situation in life or the behaviour of parents affecting our adult subconscious and which, if we do not work on ourselves and do not decide to find what hinders us to achieve happiness deep inside us, in our past experiences, it will hinder us and not allow a step forward in resolutions, relationships and achieving their goals.

I have talked to many experienced psychologists and therapists about their approach to the profession, the subject and the diagnosis.

And it gives me a lot of understanding for a person who is affected by something like disparities, diagnoses, depressions, disorders, anxiety, panic attacks, childhood issues. I did not know that this can cast a shadow over our entire life, any situation in life or the behaviour of parents affecting our adult subconscious and which, if we do not work on ourselves and do not decide to find what hinders us to achieve happiness deep inside us, in our past experiences, it will hinder us and not allow a step forward in resolutions, relationships and achieving their goals.

Knowledge gives you strength,
as well as peace of mind and understanding.

Knowledge gives strength, as well as peace of mind and understanding for the other person and ourselves, so I devote time to it throughout my life. That's why I also took up life and business coaching as the main subject to work. That's why I run these programs, these webinars, and I love what I do. This passion was born out of my problem over 20 years ago, and now it has turned into something beautiful.

People are wonderful when you look inside them with all of their dreams and wishes to become true and wonderful natural skills which makes them able to do set up independent income if they would like to and the fact that they have problems is nothing more than another problem to solve, which I am helping them with.